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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25127278">grievances</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Jealousy, idk man im just sad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:47:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,528</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25127278</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>a vent fic about flaws and failures, i think</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Anonymous</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>it's never enough, for some reason.</p>
<p>never enough recognition. never enough attention. never enough skill.</p>
<p>i would like to settle, but i keep reaching for the stars, and falling the moment my feet leave the ground.</p>
<p>i want to be better, but i don't want to work for it, and then get upset that people who work harder than me and are better than me get more recognition than i do, for some odd reason. i don't know why this is, but i guess it's the way my brain is wired.</p>
<p>i've never admitted this before, but i'll say it here: i don't want to be seen as weak. and yet, i don't work to become strong.</p>
<p>so i am just utterly, eternally weak.</p>
<p>i guess this is one of my fatal flaws. wanting, waiting for something to happen, but not doing anything to try and get it.</p>
<p>but, in my defense, every time i have tried, i have failed.</p>
<p>so i don't see a point in continuing.</p>
<p>i give up.</p>
<p>no, i don't give up on life. i just mean that i give up trying.</p>
<p>my writing will never be as good as i want it. my art, my cosplays, my social skills, they will never be as good as i want them to be. </p>
<p>so i'll just stop trying to improve.</p>
<p>i like being better than people. i will admit that too. but again, i won't work towards being better, so i'm just stuck in this endless cycle of wanting to become better, being upset that i'm not already good, and wallowing in my own sorrows, waiting for the skills to come on their own. </p>
<p>now that i've gotten that out of the way, i'll start with the two subjects of this piece.</p>
<p>friends and crushes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i love my friends. don't get me wrong. they're the best people i've ever met. but, i get jealous of them quite easily, and i strive to be better than them, though i know i won't be.</p>
<p>i mentioned that i cosplay. as of right now, after about a year of cosplaying, i've reached around 7000 followers. which isn't bad, and i'm grateful to have the followers i do, but my mind just screams that it isn't enough.</p>
<p>my friend got to 10k in just a few months. i'm happy for him, of course, but my brain doesn't want to accept that.</p>
<p>of course, i also write. if that wasn't obvious. recently, i posted one of my friends fics here on ao3, a different friend. as of now, i have about 10 fics posted, ones i've posted over the course of a year. </p>
<p>but not once did i get such an insightful, appreciative comment as he did for his work.</p>
<p>well, i've gotten one. but that's only because i asked.</p>
<p>it seems like that's the only way i can get compliments these days. by practically begging people.</p>
<p>but that's besides the point. i'm happy for him, and i'm proud of his writing (because it's fucking <i>good</i>, infinitely better than any of my writing will ever be), but i can't help but want that kind of recognition, too.</p>
<p>i should just sit back and appreciate the recognition my friends are getting for their talent, but my brain refuses to accept that.</p>
<p>because of things like this, sometimes i feel like me and my brain are two separate beings, but in the opposite way that most people might see it.</p>
<p>i feel like i'm the more logical side, more considerate, and my brain is the emotional side, more selfish, more demanding. </p>
<p>my brain has control, of course, preventing me from choosing something that i know is right in favor of what it wants.</p>
<p>speaking of that, let's get into the second subject i said i'd write about, which is crushes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>my first crush pretended he didn't know me.</p>
<p>my second crush rejected me.</p>
<p>my third crush hardly knew i was there.</p>
<p>my fourth crush i knew for a week, and yet my crush on him lasted for over a year.</p>
<p>my fifth crush gave me the phrase, "this is why no one likes you." it's stuck since.</p>
<p>my sixth crush is now a large factor in my trust issues.</p>
<p>my seventh and eighth crushes left before i even got the chance to know them.</p>
<p>my ninth crush was straight, and had a boyfriend.</p>
<p>my tenth crush was bi, and honestly my time with her was the closest i've had to romance, but she lost interest, and i later found out that i was the rebound.</p>
<p>my eleventh crush is still my crush, although i keep screaming at my mind to not get my hopes up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i'm pretty sure she's straight, anyways.</p>
<p>we've been talking since april, though we met in january, and i wish i had messaged her sooner. i can't change the past, obviously, but maybe if i had messaged her then, i wouldn't be in the situation i am now.</p>
<p>the only thing i know is that she's liked boys, and that she currently likes a fictional one.</p>
<p>that doesn't completely eliminate her chance of liking girls, though. i mean, i've liked boys in the past, i like fictional ones, and i'm a lesbian. it doesn't mean that there's a zero percent chance she is anything other than straight.</p>
<p>but still. it's more likely than not.</p>
<p>i keep telling my fucking brain not to get my hopes up, to stop being delusional and just accept that she will never like me, but my brain says no, that i will keep liking her, that i will keep having these delusional thoughts about a future that will never exist. </p>
<p>she initiated it first, so i just assumed that she might be interested, that i might actually have a fucking <i>chance</i> for once, but i'm not interesting enough, not bold enough to be with someone like her, someone as shy and sweet and pretty as her.</p>
<p>fuck, i wanna kiss her.</p>
<p>i know it won't happen, though, so i'll just sit back and just try to keep my mind in control.</p>
<p>i don't know how to finish this piece off, since it was all over the place and just chains of sentences based on what i was thinking while i was writing it, but it feels a little bit better, writing it down like this where no one will know i'm the one behind the screen. it doesn't exactly make the hour of crying worth it, but it's something, something that i can hold onto and look back on for whatever reason i have yet to find out.</p>
<p>i guess only time will tell.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>i didn't think i'd write a second chapter on this, but here we are</p><p>i don't think that it's a secret that i'm a fucking sucker for romance. i honestly just want someone to kiss me or something</p><p>but yeah. i'm desperate for affection just as most people on this website are.</p><p>i just didn't think that such a small shred of affection would become a full blown crush.</p><p>the crush i mentioned in the previous chapter i met because they came up to me and asked to pose for a ship photo. it wasn't much, just a quick pose for a photo, but it was the closest to romantic affection that i have ever gotten, honestly.</p><p>so i started thinking of them more. and talking to them. and crushing on them.</p><p>i told myself that if i wouldn't be able to date her, then i wouldn't be able to date anyone, because hell, she's the only one whose ever initiated something with me.</p><p>well, she confirmed today that she was straight. which is to be expected.</p><p>which is why i gave up.</p><p>which is why i'm giving up from now on.</p><p>no one has ever returned my feelings, for the past decade or more that i've been having crushes, so why would it start now? why would it start any later?</p><p>my personality sucks, if you couldn't tell from the last chapter. i'm also shy, so that's a no on initiating anything.</p><p>i'm also unattractive, if i do say so myself. and not particularly talented at anything. and no, this isn't for pity compliments, i genuinely believe i am these things.</p><p>hell, no one has ever even catcalled me. not even those really old creepy dudes.</p><p>which, i guess i should be glad? but it sucks.</p><p>i hate being single and i hate being unattractive in more ways than one and i hate being untalented and i hate being shy and i hate having anxiety and i hate that i can't be confident in myself outside of cosplay and i hate that i always start crushing on someone and then becoming delusional and then getting my hopes up before inevitably getting my heart broken over and over and over again</p><p>man i just hate it</p><p>i hate being a lesbian, not because of a disgust with an attraction to girls but because it makes everything so much harder when it comes to anything romance</p><p> </p><p>no girl has all 5!<br/>-attractive<br/>-sapphic<br/>-good personality<br/>-share interests<br/>-interested in me</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i hate it here<br/>if you've read this far thank you? i'd write a character vent fic most of the time (most likely danganronpa or sm) but i cant think of any characters this would fit so .<br/>i mean pieces of this might get put into an ouma vent fic i might write soon which wont be published under anon like this one but i'd rather not post this to my acc because some of the people mentioned in this have my ao3 account which. hm<br/>anyways</p></blockquote></div></div>
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